I think life would be easier if I could figure out how to be a bigger a**hole. Don’t get me wrong, I am not one of those awesome guys that make you think, “Wow, that guy is nice.” But I am nice enough to never have stole/broke cool things at other people’s house parties, robbed a bank successfully, locked someone in my basement when they pose a risk to my success, or fart in a full elevator as I leave so that everyone suspects someone else. It just seems like if I did those things maybe I could get ahead in life.
WIP above.
The other day, when I was signing autographs at the book store, I had the rudest experience in recent memory. Some jerk-faced employee came up and started yelling about scribbling in all of their books and how I better be paying for them. I told him to get in back of the line because he is being rude to my fans and he got ridiculously upset about a lack of line or some other nonsense…oh, and that the store was empty and closed. I grew tired of being disrespected so I punched him and ran out spinning my arms like my body was a helicopter. When I got outside I turned to the employee and yelled that if I wasn’t famous like he claimed then why was there a police escort waiting for me? He was speechless due to me being right and the fact that I had knocked him unconscious. I then got in the car waiting for me and enjoyed an evening of attention by the city of St. Louis.
So rude, I won’t be going back there for 5-10 years.
Honey badgers are still a bit of internet rage, right? Because of their lack of caring in a crude and flamboyant manner or something…
Well, I just learned some cool trivia about honey badgers thanks to my kids’ tv show. Did you know that cheetah cubs from birth to about 2 months have a big white stripe on their back to mimic a honey badger?
That blew my mind. I couldn’t believe I had never heard that before. I don’t typically post (true) trivia but I really liked this one.
I have a modest goal for this week: DON’T GET SICK.
Goals require effort though and so starting today I will stop my habitual tasting of public surfaces.
Ehhhh, maybe I’ll start next week.
I made an appointment for my wife and I at a marital arts place I saw a few days ago. I figured we could do artwork together or learn something about our relationship or whatever.
I left limping and with a black eye and learned three things:
- Switching the i and t in martial is a big difference
- I can’t hit my pregnant wife
- She can hit me
This is why men don’t like working on relationships.
I get to work pretty fast in the morning thanks to something in my car.
One word: V8
Not the V8 engine, a V8 drink. I guzzle one and have to drive really fast to get to the restroom before I wet myself.
Officially a thirty-something. Lord, help me maintain my sophomoric mind and waistline as age acquired wisdom and slowing metabolism come knocking at my door.
Well, at least the slowing metabolism.
Is it wrong that I have been kind of hoping for an argument with my wife for days now? I want an argument so that I can go get the dry chicken wishbone I saved last week and stick in her face and yell,
LET’S SETTLE THIS LIKE ADULTS! 1, 2, 3, PULL!
I may win and I may lose but at least a chicken decided. Like it should be.
According to Facebook’s Timeline I joined their site July 26, 2006. In the nearly 6 years I have been a member I have neither “poked” nor received a “poke”.
Not one.
I am unsure if that is testimony to my lack of popularity or proof that my friends and I actually operate on a mature level of interaction.
I like to think it is the latter sprinkled with a bit of intimidation due to my habit of escalating things, for example: Facebook poke leads to real life punching.
